The Winds of Winter (A Song of Ice and Fire, #6) - George R.R. Martin

okay, just three little favors George R.R. Martin... pretty please:

1) enough with "WORDS ARE WIND". seriously! enough with that phrase. enough already. enough!

2) get Daenerys the fuck out of Meereen! like permanently! and while you're at it, it would be great if Daario was out of Daenerys too. she's really too good for that cirque du soleil pirate-clown.

3) so apparently the world as we know it is supposed to end on December 21st... this year! at least according to some minor citation in the Mayan calendar. personally, i predict a zombie apocalypse due to the radiation off a stray comet swinging too close to our earth.

now don't you want folks to read The Winds of Winter before they have to start dealing with all the stressors that will naturally come with a zombie apocalypse? mid- or even post-zombie apocalypse, your readers may not be able to give the novel the undivided attention it deserves. distribution may also be a challenge. all i'm asking is that you seriously consider these factors while working out your publication timetable. thank you.

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SPECIAL APOCALYPTIC UPDATE

this is mark monday reporting live from the Mayan Apocalypse! zombies & cannibals & christmas shoppers everywhere! i'm not sure if i'll last through the night!

just in case i don't make it, i feel it is my civic duty to share the secrets i've learned while enjoying a private all-you-can-eat steak & lobster buffet luncheon with GRRM. he has it all mapped out. so in case apocalyptic events disallow the publication of this and future volumes, here's what he has in store for the remainder of A Song of Ice and Fire.

more spoilers follow

- Dany decides to give up her hollow ambitions to conquer Westeros so she can settle down and make lots of babies with Daario in a small village just outside of Asshai-by-the-Shadow. turns out she's a great mom and that no-children prophecy was some bullshit!

- Sansa kills Littlefinger. Cersei kills Jaime. Brienne accidentally kills Sansa, whoops. Brienne kills herself. Arya kills Cersei. Varys revives Oberyn who kills Gregor Clegane, again. oh, those two. Sam accidentally kills Varys cause he's such a butterfingers. Arya kills Sam cause all she wants to do is kill kill kill and Sam is just standing there looking like a victim. Aegon kills Arya. wait, who's Aegon?? anyway, Aegon kills Arya and then moves to Dorne where he marries all of the Sand Snakes.

- Jon Snow returns from the dead as Lord Stoneballs. he and his equally undead mother Lady Stoneheart (who turns out to be his real mother - surprise, he's legitimate!) form an unholy alliance to kill as many living beings as they can. they proceed to do that. and then they kill each other.

- the Three Heads of the Dragon turn out to be Theon, Patchface, and Nymeria. after much discussion, they decide that they're totally over Westeros and fly off to have their own adventures in a place that is less anti-jester, anti-wolf, and anti-Theon.

- Tyrion and Melisandre meet-cute and become the Lord & Lady of the Others. together they take back Westeros for the Others, who they learn have been misunderstood for millenia and only want to return to their homeland except mean ole R'hllor always tries to stop them. poor misunderstood Others! anyway, they win. the end.