Gods of the Jungle Planet - Vernon D. Burns CAUTION: in honor of GODS OF THE JUNGLE PLANET, this is disgusting. I seriously advise you to read no further. Seriously! DON'T DO IT!

Monday

mark monday woke up and realized he had a protuberance growing out of his forehead. It itched a bit but wasn't particularly uncomfortable. mark glanced up to the mirror on his ceiling and saw what appeared to be a scorpion tail sprouting from the middle of his forehead. Well now this is an odd development, thought mark. Curiously, he began to stroke the scorpion tail, idly at first, then with increasing speed. He stopped, suddenly feeling guilty for some unknown reason. Okay, just once more, with feeling. He began stroking anew until, surprisingly, a large load of viscous fluid started spurting out, all over his face. Oh my! Is this some fell combination of scorpion venom and brain matter? He licked his lips. It tastes toxic but rather delicious! He lay back on his satin sheets and sighed. This is certainly the start of an unusual day. Later, he scooped up the remaining dried matter and put it into his empty cigarette case. Perhaps I should have this analyzed!


Tuesday

At his day job at the Sparkle Magic Love Institute, mark slowly removed his bacterial data analyzer from the rectum of the vat-bred miniature sexraptor. He inspected it carefully. Curious and curiouser! thought mark. There appears to be living spermatazoa swimming throughout the rectal mucous! He looked at the vat-bred miniature sexraptor suspiciously. Now what have you been up to today? After glancing around and noticing no one, mark carefully wiped off his analyzer inside his cigarette case.


Wednesday

Sweating happily away during his daily session at Gold's Gym, mark stopped to lovingly admire himself in the mirror. Delicious, mark thought. Just delicious. mark lifted up his shirt to ogle his sweaty sixpack. He rubbed his belly in the typically satisfied way of all muscular alpha males. He smiled dreamily, then noticed his darling girlfriend Caris making her way over to him. Turning around, he ran over to her and lifted her up off of her feet, then suddenly slung her petite body over his wide, muscular shoulders and began whirling around, hooting happily in a typical alpha male manner. Little did he realize... it was Wet Wednesday for Caris, and during his typical alpha male tomfoolery, an extra-large Maxi pad flew out from the bottom of his sweet Caris's vintage gym shorts. He froze. Perhaps no one will notice. He carefully put his darling Caris back down on her feet. He realized his sweet Caris was drunk out of her sweet mind and probably hadn't noticed a thing. Drunk at the gym! Oh, my darling Caris, how typical! He surreptitiously picked up the sopping wet Maxi pad and put it in his pocket. Later, in the locker room, he wrung it out into his cigarette case.


Thursday

mark took his lunch break at the local strip joint, Hell's Kittens. It was usually his favorite place to relax. But today it was just making him sad. And nostalgic. He tried to focus on the heaving mammaries of the delightful stripper before him, but for some reason he could only think of his long-lost twin brother Michael, and the wonderful sexy times they'd had together, doing the things that typical muscular alpha males do to each other when no one is watching, etc, etc, et al. He pictured Michael's effervescent, shit-eating grin. What a man he was! And now forever lost! The thought made him sick. He pictured Michael in his mind, laughing and carrying on. He remembered the little pieces of joy they'd shared together. He remembered how Michael had made mark giggle all the time, even though his jokes weren't very funny. Michael.... He remembered his twin brother's love of mother's milk, taken straight from mom up until college - in the typical alpha male style. Suddenly he noticed that the lovely stripper before him must be a mother as well because her various sexy exertions were causing her to spill her own seepings all over his table. Such serendipity! Such profound coincidence! mark opened his cigarette case and began to push the thick drops of lactate within.


Friday

mark caught a rat in an alley. He collected rats, a typical alpha male pasttime. This was an unusual specimen. All of its purple and green veins could be seen through the skin, the wiring that kept the ugly beast functioning. It looked up at him with a brutal, subhuman look, clearly full of the petty jealousy and vindictive envy that such little creatures have towards typical muscular alpha males like himself. So he snapped its neck. He pulled out his cigarette case, and placing it carefully under the rat's head, began to squeeze that head again and again and again. The mashed head began to drip...


Saturday

Caris beckoned to him from across the basement floor. She was horny and ready to go home, ready to enjoy his typical muscular alpha male attentions. But he wasn't going anywhere right now; mating would have to wait. It was Saturday Night Fight Club time! He pulled out his sword and launched into the battle, cleaving a head with one swift swing. The blood from his victim sprayed over his face, giving him a very cool and intimidating look. He felt virile and unstoppable. He was ready to face the Gods. Much later, in the bathroom, mark wiped the blood from his face and into his cigarette case. He hawked up some thick manly loogies as well, and spat them in for good measure. He shook the case vigorously.


Sunday

mark woke up hungry. Breakfast in Bed? But Caris was nowhere to be found, she must have slipped out early. This made him grouchy. As a typical muscular alpha male, he expected Sunday Breakfast in Bed. So hungry! He noticed his cigarette case on the table next to him. His stomach growled. He looked at the case again. It is very important for the typical muscular alpha male to have his daily protein intake rationalized mark. He was indeed very hungry. Typical muscular alpha males are always hungry. Hungry for everything. Hungry for anything. Protein... Must Have Protein. He picked up the cigarette case. It felt heavy. It felt warm and inviting. It felt delicious. His stomach growled again. Okay, Let's Do This. He opened up his cigarette case. A thick, musky, sexy, primal, intensely raw and manly smell steamed out.

It was the Sweet Smell of Success. It was the Odor of Victory. It was the Timeless Scent of a Real Man, with a little bit of homo tossed in.
*
*
*
*
*
And then out popped Gods of the Jungle Planet!